A Cynics Guide to Fairy Tales.

Late late last night, while I was coughing up a lung, I had the great pleasure of talking to a friend of mine, an ocean away for about 3 hours straight. He entertained me and we did a crossword together while I coughed in his ear.** I was/am seriously drugged up (read: two cough suppressants, nasal spray and some kind of potent version f neo citron). So, there we are doing a cross word puzzle, and one of the answers is: Hansel and Gretel. I immediately went off on a tangent about what could be expected if Hansel and his sister were in the modern day... and this is what resulted:

Once upon a time, there were a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel. They hailed from a typical suburban home, where they lived with their father, their step mother and their dog: skip. Their mother had died very early in life, and their father had remarried when they were 12, and adolescent hormones were in abundance.
Truth be told, their Stepmother was a fair and decent person, however, they wreaked havoc on her because she was their Fathers' backbone. If you had asked her, or anyone else for that matter, she had come in just when she needed to. The kids were god awful spoiled, as their father was so distraught by the death of his wife, that he gave them virtually everything and anything that they asked for. I mean really, what does a 12 year old need with a Ducati anyways? Their new Stepmother intervened and made it her sole mission to ensure that they became well balanced and proactive members of society, instead of little spoiled leaches that were about to put their middle classed father into either a substance abuse program or a welfare program (and as we all know in not so PC ways, the two are not always mutually exclusive).
Of course, Hansel and Gretel rebelled. At 14 and 15 they complained daily to their friends at school about the new instituted measures, such as locks on the alcohol cupboards and the rules about no high powered machinery until fully licensed to use said machinery. Their friends consoled them, sometimes even sneaking a Mickey of vodka to their high-priced high school. By 16 and 17, they had learned the art of sneaking out of their suburban neighbourhood under the pretence of studying for a final, even in September.
Next thing their proud father and slightly exhausted and now nervous Stepmother knew, they were off to college. Their Stepmother was relieved when they chose to go to a school across state lines (oh they are SO American). Sure, she had "encouraged" them to seek adventure, and sure, she had mentioned that "adventures" were only really "adventures" if they were more that 50 miles away, but in the end; they had made the choice themselves. Both father and Stepmother stood waving goodbye at the end of the drive way, Father recounting their younger years and the fine specimens that they had grown into. Step Mother relieved and excited about having her husband all to herself for the first time... EVER (Yes, a tad selfish she would admit to herself, but most women got to spend a few years with the man they loved so desperately before they embarked on a family, and she was happy to go backwards for him, but she was happy that her time was now).
Once at the dormitories, Hansel and Gretel got acquainted with everyone over a 26er of rum, which they had swiped from the liquor cabinet (at 16 Hansel had a copy of the key cut). Soon enough it was all bright lights and keg parties. Hansel became the ladies man of his dormitory and every other dormitory. Soon enough, he realized that dating college girls is expensive, what with all the 2-dollar shots nights a week, and a whole 7 days in a week. So, he took up a side job selling pot.
Gretel was recruited to the Nu Psi Gammas and began to test out her new found freedom and womanly nature with the frat boys.
One day the two were invited to a Keg party. They drove the old Mercedes to the party. They had wanted a new matching set of Beamers for their graduation but their step mother insisted, in her horrible mean way that they should not be given such an "extravagant" gift for merely passing high school, and they were promised it for college graduation instead. They both took the stance that to deprive them of vehicular luxury and style for four years was one of her worst abominations as a Stepmother. Gretel joked to Hansel: "Well, at least we'll be able to find our way back, what with the OIL leaking out the back of the car." Hansel laughed and responded by calling their stepmother a bitch. They both laughed together. It was true, the car DID leak oil, but only because they had used the money their stepmother had given them for Hansel's start up pot business. However, it came so natural for them to blame this on her 'No New Beamer Snafu' of 4 months earlier.
Once at the party, they skipped the entrance fee due to the infatuation of Gretel by the Frat boy/Door man. At the tender age of 17, free entrance, and ensuing free kegged beer, of this was the equivalent of coming upon a candied house with the hungry eyes of a 6 year old.
The party went well, at least until Gretel hit her head on the chandelier while dancing on the table and Hansel threw up on the feet of the president of the fraternity. He was quickly surrounded by 3 large men. However, instead of apologizing, he saw this as an opportune moment to mouth off. The immediately threw him on the front lawn, and locked the door. In a huff, he txt messaged his sister to say he was leaving her there with her 'new friends.' And that he did.
Later that night, when his father called to check in, he told him that he had left Gretel at a party. Once off the phone, the Stepmother insisted that their father drive up and make sure everything was all right. She wasn't their mother, but she still had a gut instinct. After about 10 minutes of his excusing the party as "good clean fun," he finally agreed to go if it would make her happy.
Once at the party, their Father walked in, only to find his daughter. Gretel was unconscious and wreaking of booze in a bedroom with a snivelling little 20 year old boy, lurking over her, about to do god knows what.*** He slung her over his shoulder and took her to the hospital where she had to have her stomach pumped. When she woke up, her eyes swelled and she whispered "Daddy..." and his heart melted.
Years later, and after several similar incidents throughout Gretel’s college career (and I say Gretel, because Hansel was kicked out after the first year for selling pot and failing all of his classes), and Hansel’s countless retail and bar jobs; rehab; falling off the wagon; and rehab again, Gretel wrote a book. She wrote a tell all, best selling book about her life, her riches to rags life, in which she vilified her step mother to the point of social humiliation so great, that Oprah called for her side of the story. Of course, no one would ever believe her side of the story, except her husband who lived in his happy little naive bubble and felt that it was a harmless claim that had at least given Gretel some sort of career. He died of cancer later that year. Hansel and Gretel tried to ban their stepmother of 20 years form the funeral, but to no avail. However, they did sit across the aisle and stare at her the whole time that they were supposed to be, and she was sincerely grieving, whispering "gold digger" under their breath.
Her reputation was in shambles. The love of her life was dead and gone, and the kids that she had helped raise hated her. Finally, she got wise, and when the will left her with a great chunk of money, she decided to give Gretel the sequel to her book, on a silver platter. She took her money, changed her name and moved to the Cayman islands to live her life out in peace and quiet.
Sure enough, Gretel's second book made the best sellers list within weeks.




** This is no normal sickness. It's the stuffy nose, hacking cough, tissue up your nose for hours, neo citron is my new water type of sickness.
*** Totally untrue, we all know what he was about to do.



KK.